MORONY OR MORONIC?

June 16, 1997

I've been thinking about God and All Things Amazing a lot lately and I've decided I need to start a cult. This cult would be dedicated to making my life a better place to be. I figure all I need is a neat name, some fancy clothes and a motto, like "Everyone but us really sucks!"

I've been thinking about God and All Things Amazing a lot lately and I've decided I need to start a cult. This cult would be dedicated to making my life a better place to be. I figure all I need is a neat name, some fancy clothes and a motto, like "Everyone but us really sucks!"

As I sit here preparing this column for the web I can only think of Bo and his 38 sheared sheep. Now, is it me or did more than a few of those people look like they were a little light in their loafers? O.K., I'll come right out and say it: they were gay and couldn't live with it. If anyone out there doubts me just look at their coordinated death garb and tell me a gay guy didn't come up with that idea. They had purple triangles draped over their faces, for God's sake!

God (or at least one of his wacko disciples) has also been blamed for part of Timothy McVeigh's tantrum. His defense lawyer stated that the anger and rage that filled Tim after the Waco Blaze contributed to the truck bombing. The Branch Dividians believed that they were in the company of God and were willing to die for Him. Maybe I'm picky but why does God always want us to live really close to each other and eat a lot of whole grains and raw veggies? Maybe He's a real prankster and likes watching us deal with public flatulence.

Speaking of Big Farts, Tim McVeigh is guilty of not only killing multitudes of people but he's also guilty of doing it on purpose. The fact that he planned to blow up a huge truck full of cow shit made it a heinous crime. I don't know about you but I think if he did it on accident, he still deserves to die. We don't need that kind of stupidity in the gene pool.

I read an article by an ex-Mormon lesbian in this monthÕs edition of the LN (The Lesbian News). She describes a secret ceremony she went through that introduced her to God. There was a video of Adam, Eve and the Devil with a voice-over by God. She talks about hearing the voice of God over the loud speakers and feeling a bit odd about the whole thing. I have a question for all those white-robed Mormons: What does God need with Dolby speakers, anyway?

Both sides of my family are Catholic but both of my parents left the church. Let's look at the Church of Our Father's Fears for signs of cultish behavior. Chanting along with the priest (as well as alone) is encouraged. The priests wear a uniform, the nuns are compulsively clean and there is symbolic cannibalism. (Eat of my body, drink of my blood.) Inflicting pain on yourself in prayer is good. Screaming, "Oh, yes. Oh, God!" while your lover tightens your nipple clamps is bad.

The one thing most religions, either sanctioned by the society or divorced from it, share is a deep and unabashed fear and loathing of homosexuals. I think I've got a chance to fill a real niche market with my cult. After all, I'm a lesbian and we are very in right now. I've got charisma, I can be a pretty snappy dresser, I might add. Not to mention that I love to speak in front of large crowds!

The Church of Us Against Them would have some very simple covenants:

1. Try and enjoy life like a dog scratching her back on the concrete in the sunshine. 2. Work to make money. Find your life somewhere else. 3. Eat what you like and drink in moderation because youÕre going to die anyway. 4. Let the other guy throw the first punch.

There would be only two sins:

1. No witnessing. You can only tell if they ask. (I got this one ala President Clinton) 2. Bigotry is punishable by severe wedgy.

We would hold services on Sunday, just like everyone else, but we'd do it around 11-ish so people could do brunch. We'd include massage therapy, ballroom dance classes and Kung Fu movies for the kids. My sermons would be on topics like what the government learns about you through your Blockbuster Video card and how to removes those pesky tie-die stains from your stylish ceremonial robes.

As part of my ministering duties I will bless you, your pets, your roommates and your car for a small fee. If you'd like to join The Church of Us Against Them, send money and then get on with your life because I know I will.